Today's cross

It is going to take me a while... but I will figure this out. It seems I am clinging to my cross instead of carrying it.

I am really struggling with my emotions lately. Everything is big and explosive to me. I am sweating the small stuff, and it really is small stuff ...to you.

I have this great plan though; I am going to suffer this flesh of mine like I have never suffered it before. I am going to pick my heavy cross up and not only carry it around, but display it. Push it in the face of the enemy and laugh at his confusion. I am going to learn how to trust you and depend on you for everything I need. I am going to figure this out. Be patient with me for just a while longer...

I will figure this out.

Igloo

When I was younger I had a favorite movie that I would watch over and over until I had almost every line memorized. It was a twisted, dark, corny hack of a movie, but I identified with it for some reason. One particular part still pops up in my mind from time to time...

like the movie is playing before me again.

The characters from the movie murder the popular girl and marked sections of her favorite book: Moby Dick. They underlined one word to further convince the world that she was lonely and desperate for something... and that word was Igloo.

Here we are - a world full of people suffering through moments that seem unbearable and earth shaking. We hold on as tight as we can to anything bolted down... only to find out that nothing ever really is.

If I didn't have you Lord, I don't know what I would do. I am in a moment where the only word I can seem to pull from inside me is IGLOO, and I am so afraid because I have never really been HERE before.

I need that power that you told me about. I need that strength for this new place I am in. I need a light to break through and tear down the dark places. I am not struggling with some deep decision about what to do and where to go from here, I am struggling with things that I have no choice in. With things that are completely paralyzing me. I can't cry too much. I can't hurt enough. I can't ... because it just keeps coming from somewhere. Some Igloo. Some place I wish I could shut off.

I used to have a fortress to RUN to, and now it seems to have became nothing more than a cold, meaningless IGLOO!

Someone asked - what is missing?

On fb this afternoon someone asked the question "what IS missing?" He engaged the thinking of many of us. I have found myself asking that question as well from time to time. The original ask er on fb said he was sitting in front of his fireplace and trying to relax. This is a person who is usually in another state every other day or making conference calls; just busy all the time. Busy body and busy mind.

It took some bold comments to help him realize the same things that I have just recently started to see... that thing that is missing... is nothing.

Nothing is missing. We get so busy and so crazy taking care of our families and trying to do a work for the Lord that when we finally slow down and take a minute, we suddenly think that something is missing because we actually have time to be BORED.

We are not comfortable with idle time and most of us think that it is a bad thing. While too much of it makes for a dangerous mind, not enough can produce danger as well.

We can overlook the sweet, small moments God gives us to rest and enjoy His peace and presence. We can miss out on the "be STILL and know" parts of the Bible.

If we are working on our relationship with God and everyone else in our lives; if we are being good stewards of our time, money, obligations, and faith... then there is nothing missing!

SAD

My husband and I keep making these trips to Northport. There is this chunk of land up there that is cozy with the Bay. We have wanted to get on some water forever and a day. I can't stop thinking about it. It is becoming this obsession to me. It is almost like I think if I can just get there than all the yuck I feel will melt away.

I get S.A.D. Seasonal Affects Disorder. Too much cold and snow and I am taking a head dive into the "depression" pool. Not enough sunshine and I am inventing new ideas that will make me "happy again." Northport is no better off than where we are right now. In fact, I would imagine they have even more of the lake effect snow. I would be even more melancholy there.

So what is it about "something new" or "something different" that makes me think the grass is greener somewhere else?

All of my "if only" sentences end up the same; just some thoughts I think for a while and then put away. The sun pops out for a day or two and suddenly I am alright with the world again and my place in it.

It is a strange thing... the mind.



If only I could figure mine out.

YELL quietly

Whisper, talk, shout, scream... does it matter?

No one is listening to me except those who have to listen to me

and It is a thin line between hearing and listening

and I am waiting to find those

LISTENERS

who want to

HEAR ME

The 10 Things That R Ticking Me Off!

The 10 things that are ticking me off.

In general I consider myself to be a fairly optimistic gal. Most of the people I know tell me I have a “great attitude.” There are only 2 people who ever see the whole of me and that is because they have no choice… they are “my people” and I have to vent to them. One being my husband who can’t escape me and the other is my best friend who is in the same boat I am. I think it is great to be positive and to speak that way, but everyone is allowed to “be angry and sin not” once in a while. Right? Well here are some things I just can’t seem to shake. Some things that frankly TICK ME OFF-

1. My perfectly healthy husband was diagnosed this year with M.S. How ridiculous is that? Where did that brick to my head come from? How do I wrap my hands around that and chock it out of my thoughts?
2. The children that I am attempting to adopt have been broken by idiots who should not be allowed to procreate, and now I have to try and re-parent other people’s children. How do you explain God’s love to children whose eyes have seen what their eyes have seen? How do I give them all the love they need when there are days they push that love to points where it feels like it will break?
3. I am completely unbalanced in my life and can’t seem to stay on track with all my priority areas. I want to write, I want a career, I don’t want a career, I want to go back to school, I want to spend more time reading God’s word, I want to volunteer my time, I want more time, I want a clean house, a clean vehicle, a clean yard, a clear mind - oh crap … I am overwhelmed already.
4. I am always being pulled in a million directions so instead of doing one thing really well, I do a hundred things half way. Everything becomes an “almost” in my world. Did you get that done? Almost! Are you ready to go? Almost. Are you losing your mind - you bet cha!
5. I never finished college. I keep saying I will, but then I must refer back to # four. I am almost signed up for Spring classes.
6. I no longer workout or eat healthy and as a result have no energy. This is because of #3. I can’t seem to balance this into my life anymore. I now have to suffer thru the rubbing together of my thighs and that is not good for anyone.
7. I love to write but literally the second I start, I am interrupted. I received 4 phone calls while attempting to jot these few notes down. My brain is already mush without the extra help of "side tracking"it. Because normal, functional hours will not play nice with me I am forced to stay up into the scary hours of the night and morning just to have uninterrupted time with my brain… and my brain is not happy about the hours I am keeping with it.
8. I am not out soul-winning like I am mandated to do. Not that the mandate should be a reason to do it, but it is a reason to do it! I feel so incredible when I am witnessing, but balance again runs its course and pushes me off mine.
9. I don’t fast & pray like I should anymore. I am so weak in my flesh. I let the enemy run over me with a dumptruck and fill my mind with so much fear and garbage and it could all be destroyed with some serious fasting and prayer.
10. Me, myself and I - I am my biggest hurdle. I could fix all these things in my life and have not done it. I annoy myself with this list of things that tick me off because the truth is that when it comes right down to the guts of the matter; there is no list.

There is just ...



ME

High Mountains

I am aware that with just a small amount of faith, in fact, as small as a seed from the mustard plant, I can move great big mountains from my path. I know this in my heart, but am having a difficult time pushing it up into my brain. What a terrible battle field the mind is. I have a huge mountain of fear and doubt in my life and it refuses to be moved.

I am also aware that everyone has been given a measure of faith. I am starting to wonder how big a "measure" is. Is it enough to fill the space of a mustard seed, or is it just a bit smaller than that?

I know the answer is right there in front of me. If I could just get my eyes over top of that high mountain, I know I could see it.

Maybe I should start climbing...

Falling

Everyday - I fall for this guy. Over and over again he amazes me. I find new and wonderful things in him without effort. His smile and his laugh. The way his eyes look when hes thinking. The way he moves his mouth around when he writes. He is so beautiful. He kisses the kids snotty little faces.He laughs at their jokes, even though he hears them a hundred times. He puts his hand on my head and he prays for me. He is so good, so wonderful, so mine!

I knew I would love him forever, but I never imagined that I could love him this much.

Everyday - I fall for this guy!!

Today came crashing down on me

I nervously drove Britt to her 9 am counseling appointment. The roads were painted in ice and we were going to get there just in time. I was driving Brandon's car and it was pulling to the side so I stayed far behind the white delivery truck in front of me.

I didn't notice that a car in the left lane had lost control. All I saw was the bumper spin across the road and the car come to rest on the right.

The driver of the truck stumbled out and walked around the front of his truck. He seemed to be disoriented and a little shocked. I asked him if he was alright. And then I asked about the driver of the car. She looked as if she was unconscious. I opened my door and I ran as fast as I could to her window. Glass covered her like a blanket. I put my hand on hers and tried to get her to open her eyes. I pulled a tag from her waist and on it was her name and behind a picture of this beautiful little girl in a fancy dress. I looked in her back seat and saw a booster seat. No baby girl though - my heart pushed out a beat of relief.

I wasn't sure how badly she was lodged in so I walked around the front of the car. My God - there was no front of the car. Everything was pushed in and wrapped around her. I ran back to her and put my hand on her head. I prayed and panicked at the same time. I knew she was gone but I couldn't speak that. I reached in to the car and turned the engine off. Somehow in this mangled mess of metal was a running engine. I don't understand?

I watched an officer place a plastic sheet over her window and I walked back to my car. I didn't want to leave her there.

I told my daughter that everything was ok and that mom was going to cry for a minute and to not be scared; then I cried and sobbed like a child.

I can't get her face out of my mind. I drove home to my family today and she did not.

I love life and count everyday as a great blessing, but today... today we never made it to Britt's counseling and a young mother never made it back to her child.

Lions

The Bible says that the enemy is like a lion; walking around, seeking who he may devour.

I have been looking over my shoulder so much lately. My enemy used to be subtle. Slowly bleeding things into my life that would affect me. I usually caught on right before he could pounce. My spiritual ears were beginning to tune in to the sound of his breathing. I knew when he was there and what he was thinking and I could overcome him... every time!

This time though, he has not been so subtle. Maybe out of desperation to catch me. Instead of waiting and pouncing at the perfect moment, he is attacking with everything he has. It is a bold and fierce assault. THIS IS IT. This is his last fight with me. He knows that if I am to win THIS battle, that all other attempts on me will be useless. Every bit of his energy and every trick he knows are out of the bag. We are eye to eye. He growls and spits at me while I firmly stand against him.

This is the battle of my life.

I will tell you the truth - there are days when I look at the wounds he is inflicting

and I wonder if I can survive them.

I have to trust that strong tower in the distance. The one that I can run to and be safe in. I have to remember to abide in the shadow and to be still

and know.

I will win this!

Even if I must come out of it on my knees.

There is no other choice but to trust God's plan and win this.

I will win this...

Talk about a pain in the neck...

I'm attempting my motherly-wifely duties today.

I say attempting because I have the bones of a 90year old and any movement or position that is not agreeable to these ancient bones (no offense to you 90 year old's with "spunky young" bones) sends them into an immediate lock down mode. I seriously cannot even breathe today without pain. I CAN'T MOVE! My head is just kind of stuck here. I slept wrong. I GUESS! How does a person sleep wrong? I lay down the same way with my head on the same pillow and just ... sleep. What exactly happens to my neck at this point is a great mystery to me.

Anyway - I had to drive Morgan to piano lessons in my pajamas this morning. There was so much snow on the roads. It was an exciting ride to say the least. If my car would have gone off the road due to my lack of good peripheral vision, I would have had a grand time attempting to get a lift in my white p.j.'s with the red and blue, square stitching while slowly and stiffly walking like some kind of a mutant, robot zombie. I don't even want to think about it.

Well - like I said, I am attempting my motherly-wifely duties today and ...

what a pain in the neck!

Valleys

Every morning I wake with war before me

"Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision"

The battle is great and the lose is costly

So I must guard this battlefield

and keep the enemy far from me

for "the day of the Lord is near in the valley of decision"

and I have decided to FIGHT!

Super

Super angry and super selfish. That is what I woke up as this morning.

Sometimes we let little things dig away at us. They can be like tiny drops of water hitting the same spot on the rock over and over until the hard rock is worn away.

My friends wisdom was the drop of water on my rock hard heart and I am so glad she dripped her common sense into my rantings.

Super angry in the morning but super friend to the rescue.

Five Stones and Only One Giant

Here is this giant of a man

standing before them

and all they can see is a boy

Here is this prideful

bullying shadow of a coward

and they dare to call him a man

Who decides who we are?

A hand full of stones

and the giant is you.

It needed more time

I don't know what I was doing. Brandon has my head swirling with our new "day trade" adventures. Maybe I was watching the rise and fall of our mini "fortune." Maybe I was engrossed in an episode of Super Nanny. It has been years since I have watched that. Jo was just putting the boots to a couple of bad apples and their 4 & 7 year old parents. It was a serious misplacement of power and it sucked me into the magic box. Perhaps I was writing, or thinking about writing, or not writing.

Bottom line Brenda; you burnt the squash because you left it in the oven for three hours.

So when my beautiful, blue-eyed man asked me how the squash was - I simply said "they needed more time."



-he knows me too well-

The Bubble

I told Kris that I finally started a Blog. I love writing. It is such a great way to get my heart right out on the table. To poke at it and figure it out. She was so excited for me. That is why I love telling her things like this. She is genuinely thrilled at the thought of her friend doing something that could be a step closer to dream catching. We are both chasing some dreams. We are both just a little terrified to fail at getting our hands on them.

Why is that?

I think our fear is in stepping outside of the bubble.

Every one walks around in the bubble as if it is too dangerous to venture out. It's walls are thick with security so staying inside seems smart and safe. Maybe Kris and I bought into that. Maybe we are afraid to fall flat on our faces. To make fools of ourselves. Perhaps we would rather have the dream in our heads and hearts forever rather than not have it at all. If we try and fail, then we lose our dreams

...and they are such great dreams.

I think it is time we grab something sharp, and go for it!

I have a mirror in my room that hangs on the wall next to my bed. When I cannot find Roberta anywhere else, I look there. She is always posed so wonderfully for herself. She moves her eyes slowly across and up and down. She is so careful not to miss a single view of the girl in that mirror. How she must love what she sees.

I have purposed in my heart today to make God my mirror. To look into Him and see myself. To become like a child so full of wonder for my own reflection. I want to move my eyes slowly across a face of kindness. I want to pose wonderfully as a good wife and strong mother. I want to love what He sees in me. I want to be what He sees in me.

When I call Roberta away from the mirror, she always stops to take one last glance at the girl. Almost as if she doesn't want to forget how lovely the girl is.

As I go through my day, I take just a moment to fall on my knees so that I too can remember how lovely the women is.

-only you Lord-